Ultimately, there’s only one thing you must do in order to meet and attract the girl of your dreams…
You must talk to her.
Every other quality you possess or action you might take is optional. But this one step — being able to converse — is crucial. If you can’t meet a woman and talk to her (or, heck, use sign language if you’re non-verbal), you’ll never get her.
This post will help you improve that one indispensable thing you must do to get her.
Maybe you’re already a scintillating conversationalist. If so, you can concentrate on developing other attractive qualities. But many guys become tongue-tied in the presence of a woman they find beautiful and desirable. It’s just one of those things — no shame in it. Even if you’re using dating websites, eventually you’re going to have to talk to her face to face.
Unfortunately, since guys are expected to do most of the pursuing when it comes to mating and relationships, it is unreasonably assumed that a guy should be able to approach and meet a woman virtually by instinct. But, like any other complex skill, that ability is not inborn. That’s like expecting a guy to overhaul a V-8 engine by instinct, or do calculus the first time he tries it. Ain’t gonna happen.
We are culturally-conditioned, social creatures. Guys must learn effective social skills. In that respect, it’s very helpful if your parents are verbally-oriented, good storytellers, able to make conversation at the drop of a hat… But many men don’t grow up in households like that. TV substitutes for conversation for most American families.
But still, you must talk to that woman you think could someday be the mother of your children — or a girl that you want to at least get into bed. If that seems exceedingly difficult at this point, don’t worry: you can learn how to talk to women.
Following are a few suggestions on how to ramp up your ability.
Three things to practice to be prepared to meet the girl of your dreams
Don’t discount the following ideas because they seem simple. When you come right down to it, successful communication isn’t rocket science. Humans are supposed to connect with each other. Men and women have been hooking up for millions of years, even prior to the invention of language. The following things you can do to facilitate talking to the (potential) girl of your dreams are mostly for priming the pump. Somewhere inside of you are all the communication skills you need. You just have to wake them from their dormancy.
First, use movie scenes to inspire yourself, and practice. Try learning the dialogue of movies where you think the guy is good with women. Memorize scenes and act them out by yourself. Remember the opening lines the guys use, break down their body language: how are they standing, where are they looking, what are they doing with their hands? Perform the scene over and over. Try different inflections. Think about variations — what could they (you) have said differently?
You know what a good actor is? A master of communication.
Good movies that you can use to practice meet-and-talk-to-women scenarios are: almost any movie with Cary Grant. Also check out Hitch. Practice some of the scenes from The Pick-up Artist with Robert Downey Jr. Learn what Ryan Gosling does in Crazy Stupid Love. All of the James Bond movies offer good material. (Click the preceding links to get the films if you don’t have them.)
The purpose of practicing movie scenes is not to copy the approaches and use them by rote with a particular girl (unless you happen to encounter a tailor-made situation). The purpose is to begin to replicate a guy who is confident with women, to practice good body language, to begin building the neural pathways that happen when you practice an activity. A feeling of success will be installed in your subconscious mind every time you enact a scene. You’ll start to naturally relax.
Second, talk to strangers at every opportunity when you’re out in public, especially women — old, young, doesn’t matter. Waiting in a line, getting coffee, shopping, even walking on the sidewalk. Say at least “Good morning” (or whatever) with a smile.
Don’t do this with any expectations, just make some sort of verbal opening — an observation, a question, a quip, and take it from there. Most of these conversations will fizzle out. But every time you do it, you will be increasing your skill at making conversation with strangers. If there aren’t women around, talk to men.
Remember: the first time you meet the girl of your dreams, you will be strangers.
After these conversations, do a little analysis. See how the conversation felt. What felt good? Why did it feel good? What parts felt awkward? Were they really awkward or was it just your own insecurity coming up? What could you have said differently at certain points? Then, act out those parts of the conversation in your mind and imagine saying what you would have ideally said.
Every guy wants to know the right thing to say as an opener (every guy, for some dumb reason, thinks there must be a “perfect” opening line: well, fortunately there isn’t a foolproof opening line, because if there was, all the guys who knew it would get all the women). There really is no ideal thing to say as an opener. There are no magic words. Engrave that on your brain: there are no magic words to get the conversation going. You just have to say something. (See the bottom of this post for a guide on how to communicate successfully with women.)
It doesn’t matter what specific words you say because who you are will speak louder than words.
You must define yourself to be the guy you want to be, to live the life you want. Every contradiction to who you want to be, every inner conflict, uncertainty, or self-criticism, will be expressed, non-verbally but clearly, by you when you speak. 80% of human communication is body language.
You don’t have to be perfect. Nobody is. But you must be congruent with the majority of your important goals and bedrock values in order to attract the true woman of your dreams. It doesn’t really matter what you say. You could start with “Hi,” and later she’ll tell you she was attracted to you before you opened your mouth.
As a variation on thinking about what to say, imagine what a woman could say to spark your interest if she approached you out of the blue. What if she walked up to you at a grocery store? Men and women aren’t that different. If you can imagine what she’d say to interest you, turn it around and say it to a woman you want to meet.
Third, you must make eye contact.
This is something most guys need to practice. Making eye contact with women is a good exercise for a mall or other public space. Find a place, preferably where you can hang out comfortably — a park bench, a bookstore aisle, a table at a café — and park yourself there. Look at women who come by. Don’t stare at them like a creep. Just look at them appreciatively. In your mind, think of something you could compliment her on. Maybe she did her hair nicely today. Maybe she has a cool shoulder bag. Maybe she walks like an athlete. Whatever. Think appreciative thoughts. And if she looks at you — and here’s the most important part — don’t look away. Practice not looking away when a woman makes eye contact with you. Even if you seize up with fear, like a deer in the headlights, DON’T LOOK AWAY. Meet her gaze. Look her in the eye. Smile, if you can bring yourself to do it. (Just don’t smile like Sheldon in Big Bang Theory when he forces himself to smile.)
If you can maintain your center as a woman looks at you and you gaze back at her, she will look away before you do. If you lock eyes and the gaze goes on longer than standard eye contact between strangers, let it continue. Enjoy that thrill in the pit of your stomach when you realize she is looking right back at you longer than normal. Feel it. Don’t be scared. Breathe. Appreciate the color of her eyes (note what color they are). Finally, she will look away. Or she will walk right up to you without breaking eye contact. If she does, go with it. It’s one of those great moments. If she looks away, keep looking toward her with a gentle yet expectant energy about you (you can practice this over time). If she thinks that you might be of interest to her as a fellow human being, she will look back at you again. Again, meet her gaze, and this time be SURE to smile. Then you can approach her if you want or just do whatever else your intuition tells you is appropriate.
Being able to meet a woman’s gaze, especially an attractive woman, is a prerequisite to becoming good with women. If you can do that one simple thing, you’ll be better with women than 90% of the guys out there, most of whom are afraid of attractive women. So make sure to look at women and practice getting “caught” looking at her and don’t look away nervously or sheepishly or guiltily when she makes eye contact. Stand your ground. Hold your gaze. Own it.
Remember: men are supposed to pursue women. That’s what has kept our species going for several million years. Women want to be noticed. Why do you think they work so hard to make themselves look good?
Hey, if she’s interested, she’ll let you know somehow. If she’s not interested, no big deal. Just enjoy the momentary exchange of energy through the eyes, the thrill it can generate, and move on. Practice this. You’ll get much better at it over time. Practice is key. (Could you play Stairway to Heaven the first time you picked up a guitar?) At first, you’ll be too scared to hold a woman’s gaze. But persist. The day that you finally don’t look away, you will feel quite a sense of accomplishment.
And realize that no guy ever totally masters it, especially with women they find especially sexy. That’s why it’s even more important to look at women you’d be “afraid” to be caught looking at.
What happens when you put it together
Once I was in a bookstore, browsing among some books on a table, and looked up and noticed a fairly attractive woman across the floor. I kept gazing at her. As women do, eventually she noticed she was the object of someone’s attention and looked up. We locked eyes. I kept looking at her, with a neutral but pleasant expression on my face, and I resisted the impulse to look away. Eventually, she dropped her gaze and took a couple of steps along a book display, then looked up at me again. I was still looking at her. I held the eye contact, then I gave a little smile, dropped my gaze, and moved away. I didn’t look at her again. I went into a far corner of the bookstore (the poetry section, where hardly any customer ever goes) and looked at books there. Before too long — 2 or 3 minutes — here she came, strolling along the shelves as though she was interested in finding something in this obscure section of the store. She got closer. And eventually, as she was standing about five feet away, I made a comment about the poetry books. And we struck up a conversation.
That’s how it works.
There are many helpful things you can learn about being charming and/or seductive with women, but you will never, ever get the girl of your dreams if you cannot talk to her. Everything starts there. So learn how.
Below is more information — a link to a classic guide that thousands of men have used to improve their dating life and success with women. It will teach you how to communicate in a way that makes you attractive to the girl of your dreams…