Today we are just 9 days away from the end of the world or Mayageddon or doomsday or whatever you want to call it…
Or at any rate from a good ol’ ass-kicking sociocultural upheaval and transformation of human consciousness.
(To digress for a moment, why will just human consciousness transform? Why not koalas, ants, or spiny sea urchins?)
Therefore, today, 12/12/12 (my god, that sequence adds up to 9!), I want to take a moment to go out on a limb and risk inciting deep apathy and provoking an absence of panic by predicting that
The World Will Go On.
Whaddya think of that? Kind of makes you want to link to this blog post right away, huh? (See how I put a period at the end of the sentence above? A period, people.)
There are stories out today about how folks all over the world are preparing for the end, or at least getting their panties in a twist about all the possible Judgment-Day scenarios that could play out on December 21, 2012, the date when the 13th b’ak’tun of the Mayan Long Count calendar ends. They are preparing for a collapse of civilization or a collision with Nibiru or a cosmic shift or an evacuation ride on an alien spaceship or for Honey Boo Boo to demonstrate that she is a math prodigy.
But you know what happens after the 13th b’ak’tun? The 14th b’ak’tun.
Sorry, doomsdayers, it just ain’t gonna happen. The Mayans really didn’t predict the end of the world. The world, just like Celine Dion’s heart in Titanic, will go on.
It is a little known fact that what the Mayans actually predicted was that on December 22, 2012, Falcons would contest Lions on the field of battle. And the Lions would lose. (Weird how the Mayans knew about lions, because, you know, they weren’t in Africa. Someone should look into that.)
I’m making this prediction of a total lack of world-ending because I’ve been burned too many times. For example, when Harold Camping predicted the Rapture would occur on May 21, 2011, I became concerned and went to a lot of trouble to figure out how it would affect the NBA Eastern Conference playoffs. I mean, Chicago versus Miami, how would the Rapture alter the makeup of the teams? Who would be left behind to continue playing?
Turns out, everybody. There was no Rapture. Stupid Harold.
I also took a pretty good look at the brouhaha surrounding 12/21/12 (my god, that sequence adds up to 9 also!) in my post reviewing the movie 2012. You know how it all got started? A bunch of dumbasses wrote books. Pessimistic dumbasses, mostly (or maybe optimistic, depending on how you look at it). New-age wannabe celebrities and dug-addled journalists.
Then bloggers took it up. And when something hits the blogosphere, just like Frankenstein struck by lightning, it becomes alive.
Can you imagine that people are changing their lives because they believe bloggers who predict the world will end on December 21? Holy Christ on a crouton! You can’t believe what you read on blogs! (Well, except this one, which is 100% reliable.)
Anyway, are you wondering how many times in human history predictions about the end of the world have come true? Zero!
That’s right! The end-of-the-world predictors are, like, 0-for-14,000.
Only losers believe in end-of-the-world predictions. You know why? Because they’re losers!
Happy people don’t predict the end of the world. And people who are happy don’t worry about predictions about the end of the world.
Anyway, I am tired of being like Charlie Brown when Lucy comes around with the football. I will not try to kick it again.
I know I’m courting much apathy and uninterest by making this prediction. Lack of anxiety is not popular.
On the other hand, if you’re worried about Friday, December 21, 2012, you could try shopping here. You will feel better.
I’m all about adding value, people.